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Happy Fathers Day!

Today actually marks two celebratory days in the Sandifer Household: Fathers Day and Mum and Dad’s 29th Anniversary.

Needless to say, they have both been spoiled (well, Dad more than Mum but that’s kind of expected).

We took them out to dinner last night because Dad had today off but is back to work Monday and he wanted to have a drink (or three). It was a good night. Well, except for the part when we were walking home and a guy came running up to us from the pub at the bottom of the road to ask if we had any gear we could sell. Bit odd, considering we were a large group with my little brother in the midst, but we laughed it off.

Today we’re having a much more chilled day. Dad’s decided we’re having a BBQ tonight so we’ll sit in the garden with some music and drinks and just have a nice chilled day.

Anyway, that’s enough from me today.

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Bump in the road

Shit.

Here was me thinking that I had everything planned for post-university life, but no. Somebody (me) decided to throw a wrench into that plan.

A year ago, I wanted to apply for the HarperCollins Graduate Internship Scheme. It was the only thing I wanted. By the time the applications opened, I began to apply and then I… stopped. It really wasn’t what I wanted anymore.

Don’t get me wrong. The internship sounded amazing and my dream is to work with HarperCollins in some shape and form, but it wasn’t for me. Not anymore. I knew from working on The Gallion (a student-led creative writing anthology) that editing is not for me. As much as I love reading other writer’s work, the moment I put my editing glasses on I found it completely draining. The work I liked in the beginning, I ended up hating due to the sheer amount of errors I was finding.

So I knew the internship wasn’t for me. But now I’m kind of just floating in an abyss with no idea what to d next.

I know I want to write a novel this year and I’ve actually made headway in that aspect. But that doesn’t bring in the bacon. I need to become financially stable so I can help around the house and actually fund some of the research I want to go on for my novel (well, it’s more of an accessory to the writing, but still).

I’ve considered a wide range of jobs and have only applied to one so far (it’s one I really, really want. The job could not be more perfect for me). I’m sort of self-sabotaging myself at this point. I’m not chasing after the things I want to do because I know that once I do… that’s it. I’m in the rat race and I probably won’t be leaving till I’m old and frail and wondering what happened to my life. I’ll regret never writing the novel, or going on those epic journeys of self-discovery that movies love to dedicate to women in their 20s.

So yes, this is my bump in the road. I’ve derailed my life slightly, but isn’t that the point? No road is ever perfectly paved. There are cracks and bumps that make your journey a little more difficult. But you have to remember why you started down that road in the first place.

I went to University because my passion is to write. I wanted to better my craft and meet like minded people. I don’t want to stop doing that. I don’t ever want to give up on something that brings me so much joy and excitement.

So I need to persevere. I need to stop making excuses for myself because, yes. There is time – there always has been time. I need to stop fearing success and start trying to achieve it.

 

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And just like that, it was over…

Let it be known that yesterday, Monday 8th May 2017, was the day I handed in my dissertation. I finished my final chapter at university if you will.

And I’ve got to say that I have never felt so… empty.

I’m not sure if that’s the right word because, in all honesty, that’s not quite how I feel. I feel like an emotional wreck. I want to bawl my eyes out, try and get my dissertation back and plead for a second chance.

It’s not that I feel like I could have done better. It’s not even that I’m worried about failing. It’s because I’ve handed in 3 days early. For my dissertation.

Doesn’t that seem bizarre to you? Shouldn’t I be an emotional wreck trying to cram every last minute into perfecting my dissertation?

It seems wrong that, for the first time in my degree I’ve handed in not one, not two, but three assignments in early.

I’m not that organised, no matter how much I try to tell myself. I am a disorganised mess. I am a procrastinator. And I’m stumped as to how I’ve managed to finish my degree before the expected, and dreaded, May 18th when my final assignment is due.

I know that this is all the opposite of a problem, but you have to understand. I’ve gone from one educational establishment to another over the last 16 years and not once have I managed to hand in an assignment early. And all of a sudden, I’ve handed in my last three with plenty of time to spare and panic over how I must have missed something crucial.

It doesn’t help that I have never really toyed with the idea of full-time employment. In fact, it kind of scares me.

A few months ago, I had this concrete plan set in my head. I was going to apply to HarperCollins Graduate Scheme and, hopefully, spend the next 18 months interning and before progressing to a full-time job in publishing. But then I realised that I really wanted to work on my own book before trying to help someone else with theirs. I got a taste through self-publishing my own work as a part of an assignment (and there’s no way I’ll ever truly sell it) what it would be like to work in publishing. It was fun, sure. But it was also so stressful and complicated to do.

I know in my lecturers’ mind it was supposed to be some great achievement. In our final year of university with a book in our hands that we had laboured after. But it was… anticlimactic. Sure, it was cool. But it wasn’t what I wanted my first published book to be.

I guess it’s not the process of owning a book that I have written that I am after, but the validation of someone reading my work and thinking “damn, this will be a best seller one day”.

That’s not to say self-publishing is a bad thing. In fact, I applaud the writers who make self-publishing work for them. It’s just not a career path for everyone.

Maybe I’ll consider it in the future? Maybe I won’t.

The point is, I want to try my hand at writing.

I’ve stupidly informed my mother that I’m giving myself a year. I think she’s concerned that I’ve completed this degree for nothing, especially when I told her that right now I want a non-committing job (like bar work, or shop work – you know, something where when you leave at the end of the day you’re not bringing your work home with you). I want to focus on my writing without using a job or my education as an excuse not to write. If I haven’t progressed with a novel in a years time, I’ll try my hand at getting a job in publishing.

But I don’t know how true I will be. I love writing. And yes, I’m incredibly lazy. I can already see myself not want to read manuscripts in my spare time because all I’ll want to do is read real books. Published books where I’m not constantly looking for errors or inconsistencies.

But at the same time, I’d know I’d be so passionate about it. I love writers. I love books. And I love being in love with those things. A job where I can read to my heart’s content would literally be the perfect job for me.

So maybe I should work in a book shop? Although, maybe not a chain store. An indie store where they have poetry nights, and writers workshops. And if I can’t find one?

Well, I guess I’ll just have to open my own then, won’t I?

Posted in Blog

April 26th, 2017

Wow, it’s been a while. Unfortunately, it’s still not the time for me to make a glorious return but I thought I would take the time to let you know where I’m at.

 

I have not abandoned this blog. Much like last year, deadlines have consumed my life. Like, seriously. I have no free time at this point. I want to make this blog something amazing, but I can’t do that with no time to write.

 

So, for now, at least, I’m putting this on pause until I submit my final piece of coursework and complete my degree (so basically a month away).

 

Until then, make sure to follow me on Twitter to keep up to date with what I’m up to.

Posted in Blog

To April

Dear April

I can’t believe your here already. Tomorrow I’m 21 years old. I’m in London, away from my family for the first time. I’m not really sure how to handle it. I semi have plans for the day. I’m talking to perspective students for my course and then going out for dinner and cocktails in the evening.

I’m a little excited. Mainly because my Mum’s already told me what she’s go me for my birthday: a keyboard. No, not one for a computer. A musical one.

It’s something I wanted to pick up this summer. A hobby that I can focus on. I’ve always wanted to play. I’ve just never had the time to.

Next month, I will be heading into no-mans land of adulthood. I’ll be handing in my final deadline and reclaiming my summer. I’m a little scared, to be honest. After this summer, I won’t have anything to stop me from writing. There won’t be assignments I’m prioritising, and I won’t be bring any work home (fingers crossed, anyway).

I suppose this is my new reality. I need to accept that I will have to be up early every day to work. In a way, it’ll be like being at secondary school again. Maybe the last five years haven’t helped me prepare for a life in the real world. I’m too used to afternoon lectures and days off in a row. And I really don’t think the working world will be that lenient.

But for now, I will stop focusing on the black void that is my future. I need to focus on my present, and my dissertation.

So that’s what April will be: a month dedicated to my degree. I will succeed, because I have decided and sometimes that’s half the battle.

Love

Katie

 

Posted in Blog

One Year and Counting…

I’ve had this blog for an entire year. It has been my longest relationship with any form of writing to date. Although I can’t really call this a successful relationship. My updates are sporadic, but I’m updating. And as the year continues, it will be my absolute honour to continue to post.

But I want to change things up on the blog. I want to keep it interesting and keep myself writing. 

I’m not sure what exactly I want to do yet, but I know this is going to be an interesting year, and, as eloquently as Kylie Jenner said once upon a time, “this is the year of realising stuff.”

So watch this space, because Winter is Coming…

I mean, change. Change is coming 😉

Posted in Blog

To March

Dear March

I usually use this time to set myself some goals. In some months it has worked, but mostly I haven’t stuck to them. So I’ll meet myself in the middle and make a goal that I will probably accomplish anyway.

Don’t get behind. Do the work. Stay on top of things.

It may sound stupid, but it’s so easy to get behind at the moment. There are too many distractions and not enough time. I’ve just taken a few days off from everything and I’m already strapped for time to catch up.

But I can do it.I  just need to do the work and stop making excuses.

I can run a blog, work part-time, and walk away with a degree and not fall flat on my face.

I can do it because I want to.

Love

Katie

x

 

Posted in Blog

The End…

Of Bloguary.

For someone who’s pretty shit at committing to things, I think I’ve done pretty well. In the end, I only missed two days.

I made the decision to start bloguary because I needed to prove something to myself. I am always constantly fobbing myself off. I’ve put off learning to drive, travelling, going to the gym, studying because it’s only me who I will disappoint.

The same can be said about the blog. I write for me. I write to express myself, to get my thoughts and feelings down somewhere so I can reflect on them at a later date. I’ve always loved the idea of seeing how I have grown as a person.

Bloguary was for me. I’ve had this blog active for the last year – which is the longest commitment I’ve had to anything. Ever.

I want to keep posting, not every single day but at least once a week. Having done bloguary, having committed to something for a month straight just shows me that I can do it.

I’m still the useless person I was at the beginning of the month, but at least I know in my heart that I can commit.

Thank you to everyone who has followed me this month, to every person who has liked a post, commented, and kept coming back. I might be writing this blog for me, but you make it a whole lot easier to find motivation to write.

Thank you.

bloguary-1

Posted in Blog

February 26th, 2017

This may be a wonderful idea or it might just be the stupidest thing I have ever done.

As of writing this, it is currently 5:36am and I haven’t been to sleep yet. It’s not because I was out drinking, or even studying. I’m tired. My body just does not want to rest.

So here I am!

In my sleep-deprived state, I’ve been watching a lot of DIY videos, especially ones on a budget. It got me thinking that maybe it might be something I pick up for my blog?

I don’t know.I might be a writer, but I’m certainly not artistic.

I already have plans to take up photography and learn to play the piano (both of which I’m considering documenting here), why not add DIY?

I love projects, I love making things. They might look like shit in the end, but there’s a sense of accomplishment from completing something.

I don’t know, maybe tired Katie is having stupid thoughts again. She is certainly thinking in the third person.

She should really go to sleep…

I agree.

Posted in Blog

February 23rd, 2017

And the exhaustion is back.

I suppose I only have my self to blame. I went to bed at 4am (not out of choice, mind) and was up by 8am!

On the bright side, at least I managed to get quite a bit done today (or maybe it just feels that way because I’ve actually seen the morning for the first time in months?)

Still, I’m comptemplating just giving up and going to bed. It’s only 8pm but I keep finding myself dosing off.  

Besides, 8pm is a respectful time to go bed…. right?