This year is going quickly. It’s slowly starting to dawn on me that in two months I’ll be 21 and in three months I’ll be in the final stretch of being at university. After that, it is just a wide black space where anything can happen…
Okay, maybe not anything. I know roughly how the months after my degree will look. I’ll move back home and apply for jobs until I get one. Then I join the back of the queue for the rat race. I’ll eventually meet someone, settle down and have a family. And then I die.
Okay, so that’s the basic formula to life. I mean, it’s what most people want. In a way, it’s what I want too. But I also want to buy a campervan and travel the world. I want to lock myself away in a room with a laptop and my books and read and write until I have a book worthy of being published. I want to work in the publishing industry, I want to own a book shop, I want to be a Youtuber, I want to be an artist or a musician, or – I don’t know. I want to do something that I love. Literally, there is nothing stopping me… except, maybe, time and money. As much as I love music and art, I have exactly zero talent for either. I can’t draw to save my life and I have as much musical talent as a baby.
But the others… well, they could be achievable. I could own a bookshop – but I’d need enough money or back to actually start it up. I could be a Youtuber – if I had the money to buy the equipment, and, you know, the time. That leaves me with working in a publisher’s. It’s something I have wanted since I started my degree, but recently I’ve been thinking that maybe I’ve deluded myself into thinking it’s what I want. Whilst I want an office job, I don’t want to give up being creative to pursue it. I spent 18 years waiting to write creatively, 18 years to let all my imagination wild and the lat three years have been amazing. I could not wish for anything else in my life. But now I’m stumped.
How do I move from being creative, from writing my heart’s content onto page daily, to the rat race?
I guess that’s why I’m panicking now. I don’t know what I want. I just want to delay this moment. I want to put it off another five years and keep on doing what I love. I need my free time and I know I’m going to lose it again if I’m working a job that’s draining me.
So I need to find something I’m passionate about. Maybe I’ll try working in publishing. I mean, it must connect to some aspect with my heart if I’ve been dreaming of working there for three years. I can’t just write it off because of the doubt. I can’t let panic win. besides, if I hate it at least I can tell myself I’ve tried. I can tell myself that I made a real go of it and move on to try something new. who’s to say that whilst I’m exploring that option I don’t use the money to get piano or guitar lessons? Whose to say I won’t write a novel or open that bookshop?
The thing about life is, I’m 20. I still have 40 years before I need to panic about retirement and having enough money to survive on. The way I see it, I have 10 years to figure it out and find my passion. To find the one job that makes me want to get up in the morning, that makes me want to put in the effort.
And if it pays well? Well, here’s to hoping.