Neglect is not a word I like but it is the only one adequate for how I’ve been treating my life lately. I keep saying things are going to change and they really don’t. I’m still procrastinate everything that should hold some worth in my life.
I feel like a hurdles runner sometimes. I’ll pass one barrier in my life, like exercising and exploring London, before running straight through the next. I’m up and I’m down. It’s got to the point where I feel stressed when I’m not doing the things I know I should be doing. The things I’ve promised myself to do.
I want to be healthy. I have always wanted to be healthy. But I know I’m depressed a huge fraction of the time. It something I have only just begun to realise about myself. I used to believe that being depressed meant feeling sad all the time, probably curled up in the center of a bed in yesterdays clothes and wanting it to end.
But that’s not depression – that’s just a side that’s easier to depict on TV. Depression comes in all shapes and sizes. Mine makes me feel nothing all the time. When I do feel happy, I’m often told I’m manic-happy – like a little puppy introduced to it’s first stick to fetch. It’s not true happiness.
I find it difficult to stick with healthier food options because the junk food makes me feel better, even if it’s only for a brief moment. Take yesterday for example. I went food shopping with the intention of buying mainly fruit. Whilst, yes, I did succeed, a couple of sugary treats snuck it’s way into my basket because it was on deal and it sounded nice. I don’t need to buy sweets. I have a drawer full of chocolate, crisps, and sweets from my last sugary binge. I really don’t need to add to it. But I do. Constantly. So I’ve decided, a little late into the month – trust me, I know – that I’m going to slowly, but surely, cut it out of my diet. I’m not going to waste what I have already bought, especially as I know in the long run I’ll only end up buying more of it somewhere down the line, but cut down on my sugary intake.
So for August (or what’s left of it anyway), I’m all for a new approach to life. I’m for change, because Lord knows I need it.
Lots of love