I started full time at my job today. Basically, nothing new happened except I learnt a little more about the systems they used in order to keep track of everything. Other than that, it pretty much played out like my normal three-hour-a-week job. I continually bugged my colleague, Sue, for help or jobs and only minimally fucked up a few tasks. All in all, it was a pretty successful day.
Other than that, I’ve watched the new Game of Thrones episode (and holy shit is it amazing) and am currently devouring through Skins (the UK version, of course). I should probably start a series where I review the shows I watch, but I honestly don’t think I’ve got that kind of commitment. Well, the only exception is Game of Thrones but, really, I’m not adding anything new to debate that’s already going on. I’m just hashing out already established ideas and theories, so maybe I’ll leave it for now.
I’ve started doing some research for my dissertation (I know, I know. I literally finished second-year last week and I’m already planning for my third. But you underestimate the amount of required reading I need to do if I want a first. And you bet your fucking asses that I’m getting one). I’m going to talk about what I’m learning… eventually. But, for now, I’ll just say that the more I delve into the realm of fantasy, the harder it becomes to breathe. I’m being suffocated by the lore of fiction; by realms of complete madness and I don’t think I want to leave.
I’ve always struggled separating fiction from reality; I’m a daydreamer by nature. It’s who I am. I’ll be sitting on the tube or walking around campus thinking about adventures in space, or underground. In distant lands where the lakes run gold. It’s so easy for me because fantasy is my escape. I think that’s why it’s so hard for me to write fantasy because, whilst I find it so easy to lose myself, I’m not entirely sure why I want to in the first place.
I can proudly say that I know myself. I know my faults. I’m selfish, and competitive, and petty. I’m self-loathing, self-conscious, and a complete control freak. But I know my strengths, too. I’m loving, generous, and compassionate. I wear my heart on my sleeves, and I try to be truthful to everyone I meet. And you’re reading that and thinking ‘fucking bullshit’. Don’t worry, I would too. And it’s because we’ve built a society designed to knock us down to our lowest points and never build ourselves up. To create self-loathing beings that can’t pinpoint their own misery and try to buy happiness and love.
Have you ever wondered why depression is so common?
Honestly, I didn’t mean to get so heavy tonight. I guess you can gather my state of mind from my rambles. But it is something I’ve been thinking about. I buy books to escape, but I can’t place the monster I’m running from.
The demons lurk in every shadow
but are they friend…
Or are they foe?