For the last two hours I’ve been staring at my phone watching stupid clips on Facebook and YouTube whilst thinking I should really be up and working on coursework. But you know how it goes.
I like to think of this time of year as the ‘coursework blues’. It’s earlier than usual – I normally have mine at the end of April. It’s the time of year where you think ‘fuck it. I really can’t be bothered’ and literally do everything else but your work.
I’ve probably hit that time of year earlier because of the sheer amount of work I have to do and the lack of time to do it in – which is completely self-inflicted. Last year I had four days a week to do all my work. This year, I’m lucky if I have two.
But it’s not just that, I have also noticed a change in my mental health. I’m not sleeping as much – or rather I’ve been struggling to sleep since June 2015. I’ve been to the doctors and there’s not much they can do other than encourage you to get into a sleeping pattern (and when you’re a student living in halls of residence). They tell you Nytol is good, but anything stronger and they don’t like to prescribe.
What I’ve discovered is that Nytol is a joke. I take one, spend the next three hours tired, but not enough to go to sleep, finally fall asleep and promptly sleep through my alarm and the variety of meetings I had planned to attend. So yeah, not really great.
Due to the lack of sleep, I’ve also noticed that my patience with people has dropped. I’m normally very good. I understand that people have things going on in their own lives and try not to judge them for it. But recently, I’m judging. And I’m judging hard. Friends that I have never had a problem with before make me want to murder them now – I won’t. I haven’t hit rock bottom just yet.
I try to keep this agitation to myself, but sometimes I can’t help it and… Yeah. Things are said.
I don’t mean it. Honest to god, Right now all I want is a good night sleep and to return to my usual bubbly self that just gets on with shit. I can’t deal with this… I don’t even know what to describe myself. Mess? Yeah. Definitely a mess right now.
I mean, it is almost a joke that I’m a mentor to first year students. My life is so unorganized, my mental health is practically non-existent, and I’m pretty sure I’ve had like three mental breakdowns this year.
Anyway, I should probably make myself feel better with some chocolate – and try to resist the urge to go to the corner shop and buy some wine… or vodka.